if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
