As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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