And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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