in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
