dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
