tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
