I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
