Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
