Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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