Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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