party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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