My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
ok first of all what the fuck
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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