Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i think i have two assholes
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Btw I puked in your glovebox
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
