Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
