I wanna passion pit in your ass
The best revenge is premature balding
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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