Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Randomize
