You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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