All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
