I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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