I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
