16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
