my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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