so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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