just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
