I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
