The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
