My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
