I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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