when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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