i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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