My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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