so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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