Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
