Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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