Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
