Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
