I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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