Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
