whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
