Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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