So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
