When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You may now shotgun with the bride
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
