I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize