she kept yelling 'call me bella'
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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