cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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