im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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