I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize