Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
