If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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