don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am available for nakedness
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
