I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
