you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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