Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
