if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
