she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Randomize
