I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He felt like a one man threesome
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
