if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
